Goodbye Pretention

No one I knew was ready for parenthood. Not even parents were ready for it. There really should be a class to take, a test to make sure that you stood a chance of teaching a kid the things it should know to take on the world. Anyone less than 75% passing on the test should have to wait until they matured to take another one…determining their viability as parents. Don’t they test the sperm of sperm donors for viability? Aren’t egg donor eggs scrutinized? It only stands to reason they should test the brains of future parents to rule out psychosis.

When we first went in to buy pregnancy tests, we checked out all the different varieties – like all people do. There are the plus signs, the equal signs, the early response, the earlier response, the earliest response. Then there’s the “easy to read” pregnant/not pregnant test that actually spells out whether you are pregnant or not pregnant.

It’s pretty dumb, to be honest. Who needs it to spell out that you might or might not be pregnant? Who can’t tell the difference between a plus sign and a negative sign? The differences are very, very clear, and honestly if you can’t tell them apart there are doubts to your efficiency as future parents. At least, that’s what we thought.


2nd month: I peed on a stick. Nothing happened, like the month prior. It was not happening quickly, apparently.

In actuality, there’s a big difference between normal periods and ones that happen right after you quit birth control. Did you know there was a difference? I didn't. Did you know it sometimes takes up to a year for your body to regulate after quitting that stuff? I didn’t. Did you know that you can totally be pregnant, and still pee a negative? I didn’t.

Fourth of July, and the pregnancy test was negative. I drank a bottle of Patron and watched some fireworks explode. I inhaled fumes, drank alcohol, and ate raw fish. Lots and lots of raw fish. Of course, two days later there was still no period. We took a test.

“Is that a line?”
“I don’t know…it looks like a plus.”
“But it’s so faint, almost like it’s imagined.”
“But is it a line? Our imaginations shape it as a plus…”
“I think we’re pregnant.”
“But I’m not sure. Are you?”
“I’m not sure either. It’s so faint. Almost like it’s not there.”
“I know! Let’s wait until morning and take another one.”

The next morning…

“It’s definitely faint.”
“Is that a plus?”
“Are we pregnant?”
“I think so….but maybe we should take another later on just in case. It’s really faint!”

And then the kicker…

“Dude. We totally should have bought the one that said “pregnant/not pregnant”.
“I know.”

And our effectiveness as future parents was determined when we couldn’t figure out that we were pregnant based on a plus/minus sign.