Saturday, July 4, 2009

Goodbye Pretention

No one I knew was ready for parenthood. Not even parents were ready for it. There really should be a class to take, a test to make sure that you stood a chance of teaching a kid the things it should know to take on the world. Anyone less than 75% passing on the test should have to wait until they matured to take another one…determining their viability as parents. Don’t they test the sperm of sperm donors for viability? Aren’t egg donor eggs scrutinized? It only stands to reason they should test the brains of future parents to rule out psychosis.

When we first went in to buy pregnancy tests, we checked out all the different varieties – like all people do. There are the plus signs, the equal signs, the early response, the earlier response, the earliest response. Then there’s the “easy to read” pregnant/not pregnant test that actually spells out whether you are pregnant or not pregnant.

It’s pretty dumb, to be honest. Who needs it to spell out that you might or might not be pregnant? Who can’t tell the difference between a plus sign and a negative sign? The differences are very, very clear, and honestly if you can’t tell them apart there are doubts to your efficiency as future parents. At least, that’s what we thought.